After I dropped off the kids at school I went to swim at Ederle for the first time and walked by New York Fashion Week. There are some Kardashian look alikes strolling around trying to get attention. A male designer has two male models in his clothes wandering around- one red head, one dark brown. The clothes are flamboyant- big flouffy pants and long dusters worn on the shoulders. They look bored. There are a lot of people who look hot and cranky and tired. Just here to get their picture taken. Street style is a blood sport. There are two young women in almost the same outfit on competing pillars. Gauzy maroon dresses with greyish booties and matching agendas. Trying to look like they are doing something. O fuck wait there are seven of them, all similarly dressed. “What’s up with the dresses and the grey shoes?” She ignores me. Maybe I should be more polite. Poof they are gone. That was quick. Only there for a few minutes. Will they come back throughout the day? Is it a fashion thing or an art thing? “I’m going for a monochromatic blah blah” the guy next to me says, but he is wearing taupe shoes, grey pants, a blue shirt and a bright purple sport coat. Does he know what monochromatic means? I guess they are in the same cool (as in not warm) tone…The male models are getting their photo taken. The designer keeps his distance. Is this working for him? Will he get attention and investors and his own line? I woke up and put on clean underwear and jeans and a striped shirt. I feel good after swimming but I only rinsed off at the pool. I wish I had a fancy outfit on and that people were taking pictures of me. A boy walks by in a giant winter aspen cardigan down to his knees. Oh honey that huge sweater looks way too warm! Some dapper guys look awesome- this guy has short dreads and a skinny suit and a vest and a salmon colored tie with Sushi on it. A girl in a black crop top and a blush colored leather skirt is having her photo taken. Her skirt is riding up. I want to go tug it down for her but I don’t want to get involved. I am excited that the Women in Clothes book is getting such nice attention, especially that my essay caught some eyes. Is that why I am here? I came to the shows once before, when they were in Bryant Park in the 90’s when I was waitressing at Bondi on 20th street. One of my customers gave me a ticket to the Betsey Johnson show. When I first moved to New York I would buy one dress a year at the Betsey Johnson sale. Lycra blend, tight on top and long big skirts. I still love the idea of Betsey Johnson clothes, even if I don’t feel like myself in them anymore. Wow two big women one in a white giant dress and another in a giant denim dress. Ooh I love the volume! First thing I’ve seen that excited me while sitting here writing. I miss my mom. I hope she would have liked me now.I wonder if I thought of her because these women were not skinny and my mother was obese when I was young. Watching some of these women I vow to never teeter on heels again. They can’t walk. That does not look attractive. I get to go to another book party tonight at the store of a designer I admire. Whose clothes I buy at her sample sales. But I was up in the night feeling anxious- I feel like I’m not good enough. It’s the kind of event I would have once tried to sneak into but now that —O just saw something really pretty- black lacy pointy edged skirt with gold underlay on gorgeous woman with a hat. What will I say to people tonight? I used to be more confident. Or I could fake it better. I am trying to remember what the guy said at my tarot reading. Share my truth with love. I’m on a spiritual journey, which I take to mean my artistic journey. Okay to turn my back on things I don’t need anymore. Sometimes I have a hard time telling what is real and what isn’t. I think that’s a side effect of being raped. Hard to tell the difference between pushing people away- which I have been very good at doing lately- and what I need to turn my back on in order to go forward. I’ve been sitting here next to the fountain for almost an hour. I need water and coffee and a hard boiled egg. I need to go to my art studio in Queens and jack off and take a nap.